Eddie : Might as well do it in the comfort of your own home. Eddie : Sweetie, darling, could you just stop that minute and come and help me here? Come, unwrap all these things.
They're all objets from my shop, darling, so keep the price tags showing. The woman from "Hello! Saffie : Why bother? Eddie : Because, sweetie, what you can't tell about a person by what they have chosen you to see on their coffee table isn't worth knicker elastic.
Eddie : What do you think darling? Look, look, look. What do you think? It's an Eskimo papoose. Don't look like that, sweetie. Any chance of a quick buck in the Artic, they tip the babies out and ship them down, I tell you.
Sarah : Jed might be around tomorrow night, as he and I sort of Catching up on lecture notes and that sort of thing. Saffie : Ooh!
Sarah : No, nothing like that. I know what you're thinking. Eddie : You may be sorely disappointed there. Sarah : Although, the other night He did get locked up in our part of the hall. Eddie : Poor bastard! Sarah : And he did have to sleep on the floor in my room, but Eddie : Only because he couldn't chew through the restraints with his bare teeth, I should think.
Sarah : You see, Jed's really, really lovely Eddie : [to Saffron] Could you just shut Titicaca up here for a second? Eddie : [on the phone] Yes? Just put me Eddie : Four bloody languages and they can't specialize in one. Eddie : Just put me through to Zermatt! Saffie : Who are you calling?
Eddie : My Doctor Philip, darling. He's skiing in Switzerland. Eddie : Hello? Hello, Philip? Yes, it's Edina You know that foot of mine, darling? Yeah, I just bashed it on the door-frame. It's very painful. Oh, God! Eddie : He just hit the grand slalom. I can't hear him from wind noise. Patsy : Eddie? Eddie : Oh, Pats, darling, how did it go? Patsy : [pointing to sticky face lifts on her face] Do these work? Eddie : For how old, sweetie? Patsy : Thirty five. Eddie : You might need a few more for thirty five, I think, darling.
Patsy : How much more? Saffie : A bungee jump with the elastic tied to the back of your head should get that back into shape. Eddie : [on the phone] Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, oh! Hospital, yes.
Alright, alright, thank you. Eddie : Did you catch that, darling? I've got to go to hospital. Patsy : Hospital, Eddie? I'll come with you. Eddie : Alright, I'm going to have to pack and order the ambulance and everything. Saffie : Why don't you take your car? Eddie : Because, sweetie, I do not pay huge insurance premiums, so I can just drive myself to hospital, alright? And not stay overnight, okay? Good God, you're eating three hundred pounds worth of royal jelly, darling.
It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside. And not any old bloody bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling. This is the stuff, sweetie, that Jackie Stallone would kill for this, darling. Make me a cup of coffee, darling. Eddie: Oh, look at the time, sweetie.
I should be in the office! Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie! Tell them, tell them the car hasn't arrived, there's traffic door-to-door, and I'm not well! I'm not well! Saffie: Hello? My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown, with her face Eddie: [Edina starts screaming and snatches the phone from Saffy] Yes, it's me, darling.
Anyway, now listen, sweetie. I'm literally out the door when my bloody car turns up, alright? And I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end, alright? I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, alright? I'm chanting as we speak, bye-bye, darling. Saffy is staring at her] You're not a Buddhist, darling.
You wouldn't understand. Eddie: It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals. Eddie: Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owe to my chanting, darling. I chanted for this gorgeous house! I chanted to be successful and believe in myself Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Eddie: Oh, God! Could you try not to be so cynical today. You know, today I need just a little bit of bloody support. Saffie: Well, why is today such a panic, anyway? It's only a fashion show, and you've had six months to prepare it. I mean, why is everything always so hysterical? I mean, all you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, get some people who've thrown up everything they've ever eaten and send them down a catwalk.
Greater feasts have been achieved in less time and with less fuss. Eddie: I forgot to ring Chukhani. He was going to channel a color for me today. Thank you, darling. There's more to it, you know. Eddie: Sweetie, sweetie.
He doesn't just choose the color Listen, because you might learn something, now. He doesn't just choose the color himself, darling. It is related to who I was in a previous existence. Saffie: And who was it you were in a previous life, then? I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty? Eddie: Will you stop saying the word "fat"? Stop it, now! Stop it! I know you're only saying it to annoy me. Aren't you, darling? Eddie: Darling. Darling, look at Mummy. Look at Mummy, sweetheart.
Do I need surgery, darling? Eddie: Yes, but I pay you to interpret my dreams, so why can't you at least find a hidden depth? And, if you are bloody psychic psychologist, how come I'm always having to call YOU, hmm? Oh, just stuff it! Eddie: La Croix, sweetie! It's alright, isn't it? A bit tight, but it's alright, isn't it? You know, people will think, "Wow, it's a La Croix! I just can't find anything to go with it. Eddie: Darling, stop me drinking today because Saffy's threatened to leave home again.
Eddie: Yes, I know I'm not a drinker, but you know what she's like, I mean Eddie: I shall drink water. We have it with whiskey I mean, you know what it's like, you've given up drinking before. Eddie: Right, it's me. I'm on my way in. Everything's completely under control this end, how is it with you? Guest list? Just do your best, darling. I'm rushing.
Patsy: [Saffron has refused to go to Edina's fashion show and her son, Serge, is also unavailable] You know, I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is if they're not going to turn up for your launches? Did you tell him how important for you it was, darling? Eddie: Yeah, I tell him. I faxed the bloody dean, the bollocky halls of residence and the buggery mountain rescue. I mean, what more can I do?
Patsy: Nothing, and you shouldn't have to. I mean, look at you. You've been a fantastic mother. You've let them ruin your figure. Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition, you've got tits down to your knees, and what for, for God's sake?
For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit and a Gazza t-shirt for the past two years. Cut the cord, darling. Eddie: Oh, my buggery bollocks. Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier? Bubble: Well, her husband's just phoned, and said "Simon Le Bon", which I thought was really amusing. Eddie: Now, come on, come on, come on. How's the celebrity and V. Eddie: Now, come on, darling. Come on, darling! Give me some names, darling. Bubble: So far Sinnita and Anne Robinson definite.
We're still chasing Anneke Rice. Gave up on Norma Major. Eddie: Now, just get me my phone book now, would you, darling? Get me my phone book. I mean Princess Di has You don't get Princess Di to a major Bubble: Well, there was a bit of a mix-up. I didn't make the call, but she's very game and a really nice person.
Eddie: Oh, I wouldn't care if she was Mother bloody Teresa, darling! It doesn't matter for our purposes! What we need is a Princess with a press following and a designer dress on her back! Bubble: Well, her people were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured.
Patsy: No darling, no one's eating that sort of food anymore. There's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair. Everything is raw. Anything with a pulse is lunch. Bubble: Oh, the magazine called for you, Patsy. They need some decisions about this month's cover. Patsy: Oh, really? Whatever can they need to know? I mean, it's the same every month: a model in make-up with a vacant look on her face Eddie: Bloody hell, Patsy!
Wash it this time, will you? Anyway, darling, who was it you were with last night? Patsy: Oh, he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights Patsy: And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter, and anything you do is alright by me. You're my best friend, sweetheart. Can I take your car? Eddie: Sweety, darling.
Sweety, darling, Mummy's here. Sweety, darling, Mummy is Sweety, darling, let me in. Sweety, darling, let me in! Eddie: [to Saffron] You've probably got something rather interesting to listen to on Radio 4, have you?
Saffie: [on the phone] Oh, hang on a moment. Saffie: They say they're confirming the booking for four weeks from next Monday. Eddie: Sweetie, I think it's the only way. Don't you, darling? Thank you. Eddie: Thank you, Sweetie. Eddie: You took from me the only man I ever really loved. Eddie: Morning, sweetie. I'm only going to wear orange from now on, darling. Religious purposes. Saffie: You've been getting dressed for three hours and you still look like a bloated citrus fruit.
Eddie: Sweetie, it is a very healing color, a very positive color. Well, only this and the deaded kaftan fitted. Well, I say fitted. It was filled to capacity. I mean, all my clothes have got stretch marks, darling. Eddie: In the sixties, we were too stoned to jog. In the seventies, we had platform shoes. Justin: Brain cells destroyed in the sixties. See, you know, she can't remember.
The Age of the Punk. Eddie: [looks in mirror] Euch! I am a little "Germaine Greer-ish", aren't I, sweetie? Eddie: Oh, darling, she was once cool, but Mr. Gravity's been very unkind to that woman! Eddie: I mean, what I saw in that mirror shocked me. Barbara Bush with no clothes on. I don't believe it. Saffie: Well, for start, you eat too much, you drink too much and you take no excercise.
Eddie: Darling, darling, please. It's far more likely to be an allergy to something, you know You know, sort of a build-up of toxins, or something, or hormone imbalance, isn't it? And also, sweetie, did you know I've got a very heavy aura? Did you know that? That's why animals love me, darling.
Saffie: Look, mum. All you've got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise. Eddie: Sweetie, if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it. Anyway, I don't know what you mean. I do take exercise! Eddie: I know what I'll do, I'll wait 'til Patsy gets here and phone her doctor.
He'll do anything. And if that doesn't work, darling. I'm gonna go down to that Chinese clinic Eddie: Well, sweetie. The reason It's not what I eat or how much I eat, it's these things in here. This fridge is just filled with crap, darling. Just filled with crap.
Look at this! I should only be eating organic food, food with the dirt still on it, darling Throw out all the food in this fridge. It's revolting. I should just be eating green and white holistic food, shouldn't I sweetie?
I shouldn't be eating Oh, that's still got some in it, sweetie. I shoudn't be eating all this, should I, darling? Anyway, first I'm going to go on a fast. It's a special fast. Eddie: Well, darling, just try to be little bit less Western in your thinking, if you can, please. I mean, you realize, of course, that in Zen terms everything in the universe is just molecules, don't you? Ying and yong, ping and pong You know that, darling? These are my molecules and that's your little clump of molecules over there, sweetie.
I mean, in real terms, there's no difference between me and the coffee, me and the table, me and a tree, me and Madonna, for God's sake! Saffie: Well, what you want me to say? Mum, it doesn't matter to me that you haven't seen your navel in twenty five years, or that you can wear your stomach as a kilt. Just tell me you're happy.
Eddie: How can I be happy with this great bulk hanging off of this skeleton? I can't. Saffie: You've been tested for everything under the sun, so you're not allergic to anything Saffie: There's more of your blood sitting in test-tubes around the world then is currently circulating in your veins.
I mean, you've tried every fad-drug, every fad-diet that's ever existed. I mean, more money is being poured into your quest for "Twigginess" than goes in aid of most Third Word nations and somehow, Mum, somehow, you're still two stone overweight. Saffie: Well, you can't have anything in common. You can't have Anything to talk about. Eddie: Exactly. I mean, no one blinks an eye if an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo, do they?
Or what's really sick That's sick, isn't it, darling. Saffie: Mum, what is this world you live in? What does "bimbo" and "non-bimbo" mean? Eddie: Yes, yes, yes, yes It'll be alright with a bit of jewellery. No, no, no, no! I've never been this heavy. There's not enough room on my bones for that sort of weight.
No, no, no, no, no, no Eddie: "Pain au chocolat", we call it in this house, darling. And no thanks, I won't. I'll just nibble a corner of yours. There's only one thing to be done It's just the chocolate I have to avoid in these, darling. I'm alright with the pastry. Eddie: [to Saffron] Shh, sweetie.
It's Eddy. Look, can I have a few more of those pills I had last time? I want to lose a stone Two weeks Hmm, but it must be years since I had them last, isn't it?
Hmm, but they were just palpitations, for God's sake! Are you telling me I can't have them? What is the point of having a private doctor if he won't do what you want? I want them to kill me! Eddie: You can, darling. He treats royalty, believe me. Anyway, who wouldn't suffer a minor coronary for that degree of weight loss, I ask you? Eddie: Oh, Pats, look, just stand there. I'm going to lift my shirt. I want an honest opinion. Patsy: Surgery. Liposuction on the stomach and hips, umm bum lift, tit lift, lose a rib.
Patsy: The only thing that got him up in the night was his bladder. Did you get it, Ed? Did you get it? The only thing he got up for was to have a slash. Remind me not to tell that one again when I'm sober. Eddie: Yes, you're right, I do need a bit of inspiration. I mean, I could go out and buy a lot of new clothes two sizes too small. Eddie: [to her ex-husband Justin] How you could have chosen to live with an evil, vicious, pot-bellied, ugly little dwarf is beyond me!
Saffie: Oh, I just find it strange, that's all. I mean, I just can't understand how someone who could have been into absolutely everything over the past twenty years, I mean, not one trend has passed her by, yet somehow, she has conveniently dodged ever having to take any exercise. The plots generally center around Edina's attempts to jump onto the latest trend or to have a good time, Patsy egging her on and encouraging her bad behavior, and Saffron's futile efforts to rein in the insanity and keep her mother on the straight and narrow.
Due to Edina's oft-neglected career in public relations, celebrity cameos were common, with some such as Lulu, Twiggy and Emma Bunton becoming recurring characters. The Emmy- and BAFTA-award winning series grew out of a French and Saunders sketch featuring an obnoxious, partying mother and her sober, responsible daughter , which became the basis for Edina's and Saffron's characters.
It aired on-and-off-again from to , where it culminated in The Movie , which Saunders has said is the absolutely final Grand Finale. Came 17th in Britain's Best Sitcom. Community Showcase More. I tell 'em, "When push comes to shove, you'll be screamin' for drugs and shittin' the bed! Saffie: If you mean that time you sat on my bed and shook me awake at two in the morning, stoned out of your brain, and slurred into my ear 'By the way sweetie, people have it off,' then yes, you told me the facts of life.
Jackie's "Pats, I'm 72! She is tired and worn out for real. Brilliant line reading. I can feel one of my heads coming on. Have you any aspirin? Or some of that homophobic remedy you gave me last time? Patsy: "You know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high, that the world is your gynaecologist.
I see you're on castors these days, how cute. I think they're a great way for hauling around big large hefty objects, don't you?
This whole dialog had me rolling. I don't know why I found it so funny. Edina is in the foreground muttering while Saffy and her friend are talking. Sarah: Jed might be around tomorrow night, as he and I sort of Catching up on lecture notes and that sort of thing. Gran: "To this day, I can't pass an electrical outlet without wanting to:" mimes sticking her fingers inside the holes with a big smile on her face. Pats is describing a small shop with chiffon and terra cotta pots in the window display to Eddie.
I better make this quick I've got a lingerie opening and a feminine wash launch to get to by six, and all this with my working champagne lunch with Anouska bloody Hempel floating about here. You must see the real Marrakesh Everything from sabre wielding horsemen, to the Elizabeth Taylor Caftan Museum. Again, again! Half of these lines aren't insignificant and the other half aren't quoted correctly.
Great job, sweeties. I mean, an entire population just screaming out for reasonably priced kids casuals. I don't know why Gap hasnt spotted the hole in the market. Did everyone know what a "Cagoul" was but me? Also Kagool. Was it Jackie who had an ex-bf turned into a small kagool according to Pats?
Suns so bright it's almost blinding Every second of my journey here is blazoned on my memory. Oh, I feel fantastic! If they could market that into a pill form, Switzerland would be plunged into a recession. The interviewer feigns compassion and tells her it's amazing she can get up in the morning after all the negative publicity and public onslaught of attention she was getting over the story, to which perennial lush Patsy looks off to the side pensively and says: "It's amazing I can get up at all.
Edina preparing her home prior to a visit by her anal-retentive friend, husband, and baby. I kept seeing these Italian housewife's taking their bras off. I thought this can't be "Challenge Anneka". Eddie, your stomach is like a dog that doesn't know when it's going to be fed, so it just hangs around until you want to kick it. Oh yes Oh god, that's typical isn't? Whenever you go bloody abroad, the slightest suggestion of a thunderstorm and all the bloody lights go out!
Well, that's typical, isn't it? Oh yes, let's all join Europe so the lights can bloody go out everywhere! Sieg Heil! The Federal State! The mood for the next edition: Sex, bitch, aristo, sex, punk, whore, bitch, prossie, lessie, punk, tart, slut. Oh but Alex… Alex,with lovely shoes. Any old junk taken. And in those days it was the bromide sedatives or ECT. It's all highly addictive. I still can't pass a plug socket without getting the urge to put my finger in.
So many great lines I forgot. Reading it is actually funnier. It was very good, dear, they allowed us to push the buttons. You're a burden to her, you know. You should get out and hang out with people your own age for once. Hopefully she'll get horribly lonely and find a life, alright? Yes indeed, we too use "cookies. Otherwise, you'll just have to find some other site for your pointless bitchery needs. Become a contributor - post when you want with no ads!
Insignificant Absolutely Fabulous lines you remember for some reason "Seventy foot drawing room, south facing garden. Don't question me! Yeah, yeah, cheers. Thanks a lot. Isn't it regressive false memory therapy? Let them die! Are you still with us? Is it a bee?
Safi to patsy: "if you were anymore relaxed you'd be dead". THIS is the one The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic. Titicaca to the sink cupboard! Quite big tits. Jesus Christ, how is "Quite big tits" insignificant? It kicked! Patsy, off screen: Contradiction in terms. R Well of course, who wouldn't? I'm resisting the urge to do so myself! Stand on the bloody bin bag!
I must have actually enjoyed playing ping pong. Angleterra angleterra. It's all pounds, shillings, and pence to me, sweetie. Bring me a knitting needle! Even then it was the same food, just colder. A teaspoon! A bloody, buggery teaspoon!! Yes, I am in rather a hurry. Colonic irrigation is nothing to be sniffed at, Sweetie. You can lose the attitude, you work in a shop. Yeah, he'd want me to be there! Abort abort abort! Champers and nibbly things.
The only label she wears is drip-dry. I can't do that thing you do with your eyes. Mush mush sweetie mush mush. Take it away and bring me another lover. I PR things. People, places, concepts! It is very important for business for me to look good, and looking good costs money. Just the one dear? Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls.
Don't question me. I think she's tremendous. Just tax the stupid people. Edina: "When was the last time you ate something? Bric n' Brac 'n' Knick 'n' Knack - any old things. How long does it take that old woman to score a tab of aspirin? I could score acid quicker. What are Pop-Specs! Are you dead?
Well they ain't made of wood, how kind do you want!? Eggs, cod steaks, apples for Saffy. And, yes, I faxed the volcano. R73 and R75 need to leave the thread. Bombay mix - that's a funny voice Mummy's using isn't it! Bombay mix. Cosmo sex quiz, sweetie. Just the one, dear? I'm going to do thin things.
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